My fault

I took a walk on a Saturday night

There are times in your life, when you feel the heaviness in your heart weigh your steps. That awful voice in your head tells you that you have become what you never wanted to be.
The disappointment gnaws at your belly, and you cannot think beyond the wreckage of your mind.
I left the house, furious words boiling at my throat, his defiant face pushing me over the edge.
I let the door slam behind me, my head swimming with incoherent thoughts that swim before my eyes, blurring the deserted moonlit asphalt.

Fog in the air
Just to make my mind seem clear

I started off blindly, so angry at the way he blamed me for everything. I could scream at him, but it was like talking through a wall, not a word got through.

The glow around his curls from our bedside lamp, his eyes boring down on mine; his breath buffeting my face; I couldn’t ever forget him.
I stumbled, stopped at a dead end, confused at where my feet had carried me in my blind rage.

Where do I go from here?

I close my eyes, so awfully tired, yet too disheartened to go back the ache that was my love. How could we be in love, so completely in love if we hated each other so much?

I start walking again, taking blind turns, lefts turning right, rights to left, unseeing the unfamiliar town in the middle of the night passing me by.

I hug the jacket closer, feeling the chill descend on my bones.

I see my breath pushing steam through the air
Shaking hands run through my hair

I realize I am wearing his coat, the smooth leather smells like him, the familiar scent of home when he came back after days and pressed me to his chest.
I cant stop the sobs that wrack out of my throat and into the open air. I stumble to the ground, unable to understand

My fears, where do I go from here?

Then I see him, screaming at me, and I am screaming right back:
Is it my fault, is it my fault We’ve been missing each other ?
My fault, is it my fault We’ve been missing each other?

I bend over the cold asphalt, hot tears pooling down into the ground, my victory and my defeat, both leaving me desolate.

I lay crumpled into the ground, my mind playing the same memories like a broken record.
I see him slip off his wedding ring, the silver band that promises a lifetime, put it in his pocket before he holds out his hand to me. I stare at him, wishing I could say no, but it is no choice at all. As I put my hand on his, we both realize how hopeless our love is.

I take a few gulping breaths, wipe my eyes with the back of my hand as I stumble up. I take one step, then two, then a dozen, breaking out into a run, a sudden urge to go so far away from him, fighting against my own magnet pole.

Bent over, gripping my shaking knees, gasping for air I finally stop, trying to hold myself still, wishing I could tear out the heart that aches for someone else’s husband every single day.

“I love you” The words were a bare whisper from my lips, the last prayer as I gave into the defeat that was spreading through my veins.

Walking down to the water’s edge

I stand still, staring at my silhouette flickering in the breeze, wondering whether I could end it here and now and never look back again.
His face swims before my eyes, I watch the laughter melt to be replaced by darkness and I physically flinch at the thought of being the cause of his pain.
The tugging in my heart grows stronger, and I look at my reflection, ending up

Asking why I’m here instead of home

Every day the fight gets worse, the bed gets lonelier, the love gets stronger and
Now I stand alone.

I stop to stare at the ocean side
I’m breathing in just to feel it’s side with his
Like you were here with me

I close my eyes, for a moment , a small smile flittering on my lips like when I catch you staring at me.
I try not to cry, as I turn towards home, my shoulders hunched.
The tugging in my heart grows stronger still;
Is it my fault, is it my fault?
We’ve been missing each other

Every step I take towards you, I felt lighter.
Feet that felt like lead grew lighter and lighter till I could barely feel my weight. Every second we were apart,
We’ve been missing each other
My fault, is it my fault?
We’ve been missing each other.

By the time I could see the windows aglow, my body felt feather light, like a bubble of happiness I was rising, rising above myself till I was a spectator hovering above the hunched up figure at the door.

One hand lifts up to knock and the door flies open, he stands riveted to the spot, the heat of the room seeping into my face. I felt my spirit beginning to descend back into me,
Oh, it’s on the warmest night

I see myself reflected in his eyes, in a gaze that drinks me in, illumining the darkness in me, my soul is fusing with my body, the ability to heal
It’s in the brightest light

It’s when the world is moving
So still, unblinking, time warping, and gravity losing its strength; the world
around us flowing upwards while we stood rooted to the spot; Riveted by our love.

Oh, it’s in the faintest cry
I blink, his lips part into a noiseless sigh.

It’s in the lover’s eye

The ache is worse, every cell tearing out from my skin, pulled in by my opposing pole

Is when I need you most
And don’t you know?

I crash into his arms, breaking and mending as he holds me close, sobbing and laughing as his strong encircle my waist. The world eases like on a string, our world crashing back into place as gravity finds its place.
I look into his eyes, the glimmering orbs that seem to reflect the question I have been asking
Is it my fault, is it my fault?
We’ve been missing each other
We’ve been missing each other
My fault, is it my fault?
We’ve been missing each other
We’ve been missing each other
My fault, is it my fault?
We’ve been missing each other.

He shakes his head, an imperceptible word on his lips.
“No.”
The relentless tug in my heart stops.

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