I’ll use you as a focal point
So I don’t lose sight of what I want
-I found, Amber Run
My sense of propriety is equivalent to that of a drunk man who’s bladder is full.
So there I was, spewing my brain wastes all over a living room of people, when she walked in.
I could describe her, but that would limit her to the reader’s mental image of a red-head with freckles on her nose and bright grey eyes.
Instead, I would like you to imagine the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
You may ask, If she was really the most beautiful woman, but there lies the catch.
You see, to me she was the most beautiful woman I had laid my sorry eyes on. So to understand me, you need to imagine whichever features make you feel the same.
So there she was at the door, watching me make a fool out of some as I regaled the rest with coerced laughter.
You see, my strategy is making fun of whoever doesn’t laugh at my jokes.
So I attempted to make fun of her, but I found myself laughing at myself.
For the first time, my humor became self- depreciative and acute awareness of my miserable self-worth began to crawl over my skin.
I had never faltered the way I faltered before her gaze, and while I groped at fraying strings of thoughts, my life spiraled out of control.
In a minute, my life rearranged itself like a well trained army changing sides, ripping my control into shreds.
I understood why emperors had soldiers ready to die for his grace.
Fast forward: a summer romance:
I took her dancing. I couldn’t dance, but I took her anyway, fuelled by my newfound self-depriciating attitude.
Yes, she had laughed when I had begun making fun of myself, so I decided, I will wear a red ball on my nose and endorse clown porn if I have to, just to hear that laugh again.
Thankfully I did not have to go that far, a girl with two left feet dancing to Michael Bauble’s save the last dance did the trick.
I will unabashedly admit that I legitimately stared at her while a room full of people laughed along with her, (given I had landed on my ass after the third attempt at a twirl)
Was I embarrassed? A little bit. All of that dissipated when she offered me her hand though.
And later, her lips, with the watermelon flavored ChapStick on it.
Oh I was in love, foolishly, romantically- the kind of love that makes you buy a bunch of white blossoms even though you’re allergic to flowers.
Till this date, I am unaware of her feelings for me. Even when our cold feet tangled together under the wide expanse of my purple blanket, I was staring at the curl of her lashes over the ivory of her cheek bone, she stared far away.
I was lost in the moment, but she was my star. She was in my sky, but she had better things to look up to.
Can you have a summer romance in winter?
I don’t know when the self- depreciation grew on me.
But, it stayed, even after she left.
I’ll use you as a warning sign,
That If you talk enough sense, you lose your mind.
– I found, Amber run