x for xeric, xenial

In response to the a to z challenge

And I’d give up forever to touch you,
Cause i know that you feel me somehow 

You’re the closest to heaven that I’ll ever be.

Iris, Goo-goo dolls.

I slice myself into sections, carving out pieces, offering the sides of me which might appeal to whoever stands before me. I am so many broken pieces, that at night when I stitch myself back up, I am Frankenstein’s monster and noone would want me whole.

I am building th frost walls up in places, cold deserts noone would care to venture. Burning the roads to my heart, barbed wires, I’m putting up broken glass and electric fences. A small part of me wonders though, if its prudent- hope still gnaws at me while my fortress is under construction.

I repeat to myself dully, No one would want you whole.  

But my heart still insists and I sigh, offering it one more last ride with me.

I play a song for my heart, backwards- a memory where a voice keeps repeating that I could be anybody, that I was nobody. That I was nothing more than a way out of lonliness. The beating organ flinched slightly, I wasn’t the only one who could inflict hurt.

I drag my heart to a house, warmth and vibrant colors, a glass showcase where I am an exhibit, I was invited, yet I fade into the background. My heart falters.

Dominoes, stacks of lies, one crumbling after the next and I am tumbling down, bruised, battered and helpless.

My heart begs me to take it back home, and I begin to leave, almost at the edge of the world.Then he is there, smiling, hopeful. He melts the frost building on the muscular walls, making my heart beat faster, vibrant, bright.

My heart looks at me triumphant, and I laugh. I know what comes next. I think he will leave, he will break but he doesn’t. He stays, loves me till I cannot breathe and the barren desert is almost bursting with life. With his eyes two deep pools of sincerity, he asks me again, ‘Will you give your whole heart to me?’

I am fighting, wrestling the end that I know is bound to come, but hope sneaks in, a thief in the night. It holds up a light, letting him see the sewn, haphazard, ugly parts of me.

I stand for a minute, one minute I promised my heart, one chance. Then I see his face, and I know. I watch him falter, and I know. When the pain comes, its almost welcomed. I plaster a smile on my face, xenial, surrepteously hiding the parts nobody seems to want. I offer him the things he is accustomed to- the light, the useful pieces. As he is consumed with the joy he gets out of me, I close my eyes.

Without another word, my heart goes back inside the fortress, the world is covered in ice.

My life is flooded, my heart is dry.

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