Daily fix

I tried to draw Celtic knots
And failed
The simple instructions of
Over and under and over again
In the quiet light of a bedside lamp
My bed strewn with pencils,
Graph papers,
Sheets, and a forgotten novel.

I began with a maze,
With each passing line forgetting the knot in my chest
The way my hands shook
After three hours
Of drawing circles
Failed knots and silence
My heart has slowed.

As I emerge from another lost day
Woven with anxiety people
Who pose in nice picture frames
Leave on my doorstep
As I fight through the darkest hours
Where friends take off their masks
And spew hatred at me
There is silence.
It is two-eighteen,
There is no love in my heart
My bed is unmade.

Somewhere, a man scrapes sand onto
A van,
A house waits to be built.
I will wrestle with my mind for
An hour or two,
Till exhausted I sleep
Until day breaks rudely on my window
And I begin the fight
For another day
Poring over books, writing
My eyes aching
From the social media feed,
The projects incomplete and
The tantrums of those
I had once thought to love.

I imagine a pool in my head,
Someone I could lay beside
And forget the world.
There is a mirror on the wall,
I press into it.
Narcissim.

Its has been a few minutes now, I think of the scribbled hate mail
On my seniors presentation
A small voice doubts its fake
But I dont want to believe it.

I feel left out, but I am too exhausted to fight
The ugly spit spewing monsters,
I remember a cherub fondly,
He absently chews his hankerchief.
Somewhere, like a little stone he was stuck
Knocked him free.
I sit in silence, at two thirty now,
There is nowhere I would rather be.
I am home, in silence.
Could I escape everyone and everything,
I briefly wonder.

Maybe not.
I brush the hair from my face.
I reconcile myself with the lies.
Maybe I will sing myself to sleep
In a cradle up on a tree,
Far away
Rocking slowly while sunlight gathers
In big foamy clouds.

Im folding in myself
Collapsing, till the foghorn sounds
And I am flung into the mud
To be forced to climb out again,
In some distant future
Drawing knots on walls,
Mazes on the floor
Fighting the monsters,
Till I cant fight anymore.

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